Here it is...

So, I have found my blog.  Yes, it was lost.  And once I found it, it took some doing to retrieve my info... id, password, etc.  I've not written anything for a long time.  I lost interest.  I was too stressed.  I didn't feel I had anything to contribute.  But things have changed.  I am still stressed even though my husband and I are now retired.  It's been a bigger adjustment that I wanted to admit.  I want to sleep all day because I am bored, I am in pain and I don't feel like doing anything because of it, and I want to lie awake all night and read because the nights are even longer, darker and boring.  I've got to get a grip.  I've got to make a schedule for myself and force myself to follow it.  I've got to get my pain under control.  I have got to loose some weight.  A lot of weight.  I need to start cooking again.  Maybe I should talk to the dr about being depressed.  Or maybe I should just find something fun and interesting to fill my time.  I'm always 'gonna' do this or I am 'gonna' do that and yet I don't.  I am stuck in this neutral funk, spinning my gears, going nowhere, doing nothing. 

I am literally freaking out right now because I can't figure out how to change the font style and size.

I am also freaking out because I want to set this entry as 'private' but can't figure out how to do it.  I need to write.  Privately.  It is so purging, healing and therapeutic.  But I don't necessarily need the world to watch.  Not right now.

I tend to only share the happy, funny, inspirational or upbeat.  Everything else is stuck in the dark where it belongs.

I've got to get a grip.  I need to change my routine.  I need purpose.  I need fun.  I need purpose.  Oh, I said that already.  God, what is my purpose.  What is my purpose now?  Get up, make breakfast, take a shower, get dressed... or not.  Lay on sofa and go to sleep for hours because I was up all night.  Get up.  Go out to dinner.  Come home.  Listen to hubby's roaring tv.  Look at facebook.  Look at facebook.  Wait for hubby to go to bed.  Lay on couch and read all night.

What is my purpose?  My phone never rings.  I never get a text.  I don't see people except at the Dollar General and that is only when I can't get hubby to go instead.  I collect recipes that I am never going to cook.  I think about how I am need to clean out the middle bedroom and set it up as a craft/geneology room.  I've been thinking about that for years.  I'll think about it again tomorrow.  But I won't do it.  I'm stuck.  In a funk.  I've got to get a grip.

God, please help me with the rest of my life.  I don't know who I am now or what I am supposed to do or who I can be of any value to.  I need a routine.  I don't want to go anywhere unless it involves riding around to someplace neat or food.  I need help with that.  So retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Maybe that's my fault.  Or maybe it is this funk.  My head feels heavy.  Heavy with nothing.  And it is crushing me.  Down.... down... boring... bored... empty... lost... lonely... funked up.  1:00 a.m.  Time to start reading to make the night pass more quickly.  Then I will fix breakfast and wait for nap time.  I've got to get a grip.  I'm wasting my life.  God forgive me.